Birthdays and Silver Linings

For the past few days I've been feeling like the weather - dreary and grey. But today brought a silver lining: dinner for two at the Wellington Gastropub to celebrate D.'s birthday.

Bonne fête mon chéri! :)

More Gratefuls

Just because I feel I need to today ...

• my physical health
• the pork roast waiting to be cooked for dinner tonight
• dinner at a favourite pub last night (The Manx)
• a cozy Saturday night watching From Here to Eternity with D.
• Bridgehead coffee

Grateful Friday

Inspired by Amy and Amy, here's a quick list of things for which I am grateful on this Friday night:

• My new creative space in the sunroom.
• D. and Cassie.
• A newly framed - not to mention stunning - photo of Buddha, given to me by a very talented friend.
• An evening outing at Michael's with Sis.
• My 4-day work weeks starting in November (assuming all the paperwork happens smoothly!).
• Squam, Squam, Squam.

What are you grateful for tonight?

One Extra Day

Today I got the go-ahead to reduce my work hours to 30 hours per week. I did this for a year about four years ago and found it to be an ideal balance between work and home – a sweet spot if you wish – where I was at peak productivity in both realms. Although I may not get the same results, I've decided to try it again. It will be a six-month trial run after which I'll re-evaluate to see if it still works.

Despite its relatively low risk, I feel an unexpected resistance to this change. I feel uncertain, agitated and shifty. In the Superhero workshop I took at Squam we spoke of gremlins – those pesky negative thoughts and feelings that hold us back, convincing us to not rock the boat. We talked about how gremlins are often loudest when we get close to something good, something that leads us closer to our dreams.

Could it be gremlins causing this nervousness I feel?

Whatever it may be, I'm doing this. I look forward to that one extra day - an extra day to rest, to cook, to paint, clean, write, play, learn, move, plan, build, dream, create, connect, or just be. And my gremlins? To them I say "Thanks but no thanks! I want my day off!!" :)

Bit by Bit ...

…things are returning to normal and what feels like a different me is re-integrating into my same life.

I still feel tired sometimes and my body is a bit out of whack from a full first few weeks of September, but I trust it will adjust. I’m slowly but surely coming down from last week’s high, and have been reading many blog posts and emails from other Squam attendees going through similar feelings. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone.

I’ve been sleeping, giving my body some much needed rest. I’ve been catching up at home, trying to create a semblance of order and cleanliness to soothe my senses. I’ve been enjoying time with D. and Cassie.

I’ve been playing with paints, forcing myself to leave perfection aside and gracefully accept that I am a beginner. I’ve been communicating with some of the women I met at Squam, nurturing those creative, supportive ties as best as I can. I’ve been thinking of possible ways I could build a more balanced life that includes art, exercise, meaningful work, connection with a Higher Power, money to pay the bills – and maybe even a bit more, and a happy healthy circle of family and friends.

Squam introduced me to a world that buoys and fulfills me, a world that feels true to who I am; I want to integrate that world into my current one. I'm not sure how yet, but I trust that it will unfold - one day at a time.

The Beauty of Squam

This afternoon I was showing D. photos from last week's Squam workshops. At nearly each photo I couldn't help but exclaim "Oh isn't she gorgeous? Look at her smile!" or "Oh isn't she beautiful? Look how her eyes sparkle!" or "Doesn't she look stunning? I love that picture!"

Then it dawned on me: every woman in those pictures is beautiful because at that moment, she is living what is true to her, radiating authenticity and true joy. She is creating. She is loving. She is alive.

It's no wonder we were all so damn gorgeous.

Words from Squam

paper lanterns @ Havenwood

Still too overwhelmed to write anything remotely coherent about it, I offer you a braindump of words that come to mind when I reflect on my Squam experience:

Sun, warmth, growth, play, paint, colour, fear, perseverance, energy, vibe, nature, quiet, water, stillness, cozy, fire, loons, mist, art, artists, trial, error, success, tears, pushing, limits, learning, creating, teaching, nurturing, photos, books, words, fun, FOOD, support, giggles, laughter, tribe, smiles, woman, blossoming, beautiful, glowing, strangers, friends, acceptance, hope, belonging, connection, community, openness, pivotal, moments, butterflies, ready, alive, love.

More to come later; it seems I am processing in bits & pieces.

Creative Space in Waiting

To help keep momentum gained at Squam and reinforce what I learned, I spent part of yesterday creating a space where I can play. D was kind enough to let me have his corner of the sunroom (thank you D!) in which I promptly set up a work table, hung the lanterns that were hanging in our lovely cabin at Squam, and spread out my supplies.

It's not quite finished, but here are a few pics:

the space before

the space between

a space in waiting

More to come about Squam later. I'm exhausted, but still on a high and enjoying every minute of it!

Transition from Squam

view from Havenwood cabin - morning, day 1

I am in the midst of two worlds, working to bring them together instead of making them mutually exclusive. Squam was more than I ever could have imagined; it pushed, nurtured, overwhelmed and elated.

I want to carry its momentum with me as I return to my everyday life. I feel ready.

More to come later, today is my transition space.

A Catch-up Post

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my last post!

The trip to New Brunswick has come and gone. A few highlights include (and there are too many to list here): gabbing with Sis for almost twelve hours on the way there, seeing a childhood friend who now lives in Calgary, DIGGING FRESH POTATOES FROM THE GARDEN, and singing in front of a mic for the first time in 18 years (this summer's Shanghai karaoke incident excepted).

I kid you not, I think digging up those potatoes, washing them and eating them less than an hour later made that trip (no offense Sis!).

The past week was spent gathering last-minute supplies for my workshops at Squam: acrylic paints, rubber stamps, various painting stuffs I've never seen or used before. I'm off to New Hampshire bright & early tomorrow morning. It should be fun!

On a less pleasant note, the past day and half was spent accompanying D. in and out of the emergency room and doctors' offices. Unfortunately he ran into some health issues, but thankfully with good and timely care treatment is under way. He should see improvements within a week.

Et voilà, the past two weeks in a nutshell.

I feel tired from running around and am worried about D. I feel nervous about Squam, but look forward to it too. To alleviate the swirl of emotions, I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Tonight, I sleep. Tomorrow morning, I grab my bags, my coffee, my maps & hit the road to New Hampshire.

I'll see you when I get back.