Not Quite Yet

I'm planning a virtual move. I have a new blog waiting in the wings, its welcome post written and ready to post. I even have a farewell post ready for this one. But I just can't do it.

Maybe the gremlins are responsible, trying to sabotage a next step towards creating the life I've been dreaming of for the past eight years. Or maybe there's still healing to be done, tears to be shed and sabbaticals to be mourned. Maybe it's a combination of both or something completely unrelated.

I can't pinpoint why, but I don't think I'm ready to turn the page on my Urban Living Experiment quite yet.

So just for today, I won't.

A Post of Yearnings

I yearn to write.
I yearn to sleep.
I yearn to paint.
I yearn to be without obligations, to go with the flow.
I yearn to take photos.
I yearn for laughter and lightheartedness.
I yearn for continued movement on my road to financial independence.
I yearn to work on the self-paced course for which I just signed up.
I yearn to work on my new blog.
I yearn to reconnect with my body and get out of my head.
I yearn to connect with D and be present.
I yearn to read.
I yearn to study artists, writers and other creative souls and profile them on my blog.
I yearn to connect with local artists.
I yearn to try a different kind of work more aligned with my values and interests - to try my luck and skills at being an entrepreneur.
I yearn to work from home.
I yearn to let go of my fear of flying and travel.
I yearn to cook healthy, flavourful meals to be savoured slowly.
I yearn for a clean house.
I yearn for colour.
I yearn for sunshine, warmth and the salty sea air I grew up with.
I yearn to get out of my own world and give, to want to give.
I yearn to do nothing and be at peace.
I yearn to take action and be at peace.
I yearn to stop yearning.

Admitting to these and writing them down helps. What do you yearn for today?

Marriage: Challenging Old Patterns

"To make room for something new to happen in your life is to see without filters. You can ignite the spark of fresh ideas and aliveness within your body when you step out of the shadow of the past. You take off a veil of tired old reactions and patterns and step into the reality of the moment."
- Charlotte Kasl, If the Buddha Got Stuck

I'm in wedding mode - talking photo shoots, planning the honeymoon, addressing invitations - and in the midst of it all mulling over what it means to be married.

Having been there once before and failed (at the marriage, not at the relationship and its purpose) I can't help but colour my perception of being married with that experience, wondering what to do differently and what it takes to make it work. Reading the above passage last night triggered a thought that maybe I should stop doing that.

By focusing on the past I'm creating my present and future based on the person I used to be and outdated expectations of how I thought my life would turn out. Maybe if I let that go - or at least let it be - I'll free up the emotional space it's been hogging and make room not only for new experiences based on who I am today, but maybe even a new definition of what marriage could be.

I've known this intellectually for a while, last night it seems to have clicked at another level.

Gone is the belief that being married means losing myself, I can be me and we can be we.

Ousted is the expectation that being married necessarily means buying a house and settling down if that's not what we want. All of a sudden I'm thinking road trips, travelling across North America with Cassie in tow, parking our Airstream by a secluded lake for a midday skinny-dip.

In are the notions of discovery, choice and possibility.

I'm thinking adventure in tandem, whether that means hitting the road or setting roots, and that excites me.

How liberating.

A Year Ago Today...

... I craved creative community and put it out to the Universe.

After writing that post last March, I reserved a few vacation days at work for a mystery creative retreat just in case something came up. A friend sent me a link to a workshop in Italy taught by Kelly Rae Roberts and Mati Rose McDonough, but alas Italy was too tall an order for me at the time.

A few months later I saw Andrea Scher's reminder for Squam on her Superhero blog and registered, not knowing what to expect. Not long after that I found out that Kelly Rae and Mati Rose would be speaking at the retreat.

Today I still connect with many of the creative women I met there.

Funny how things work out sometimes isn't it?

Feeling Love

I've been following my heart today and it seems to have cracked it open.

My day is becoming a meandering kind of a day where I gracefully move from one activity to the next - present, peaceful and content. It's been a while.

I feel emotional and open, unusually sensitive to matters related to dreams, hopes and choosing the life I want.

I've been shedding tears to words and images without necessarily understanding why, simply accepting them as a necessary part of healing and moving on. They leave me at peace, light and confident.

I feel Love today. I really do.

My Blog, My Journey

***Warning: Long and self-indulgent post ahead.***

January quietly marked the third anniversary of this blog. Without any set expectations, I started Urban Living Experiment with the hopes that it would help me take note of the world around me, write regularly and document my experience as a first-time urbanite.

Little did I know how much more it would do.

The first year and a half was no doubt the most intense with plenty to write about: I separated from my husband and moved from a bungalow in a ritzy neighbourhood to a funky apartment downtown; I took an 11-month sabbatical from my cube-bound government job; I rebuilt my social network from scratch; I volunteered, took solo trips, stumbled and swayed through music festivals; I played hostess, took writing classes and unearthed my sexy side by learning how to pole dance. I create a home. I cried, I laughed, I loved.

It was a time of intense connection to my Higher Power, my sense of self and my surroundings - a time for new experiences with much fodder for reflection and storytelling.

Somewhere in year two, post-sabbatical, the intensity of my writing went down significantly. Despite a full life with new experiences (a new job, backcountry camping, moving in with D), my energy was sapped by a return to full-time work. During the next year or so I would often feel tired and disconnected, and was very much aware that the previous year's zest for life was gone.

Fast forward to today. I continue to enjoy and expand the social network I started three years ago; I've re-discovered the part of me that craves creative expression and I'm finally taking steps to nurture it; I'm exploring ways to find or create meaningful work. Hell I'm even getting hitched again.

As I navigated the ebbs and flows of the past three years, Urban Living Experiment was my constant companion. Did it meet my original goals to take note, write and document? Absolutely. But it did so much more. It captured my moods, my interests and my headspace; it became a vehicle through which I could set - and meet - goals (NaBloPoMo 2007, Solstice Reflections); it enabled - and continues to enable - connections with an amazing network of women across North America.

For all of the above and for you, lovely readers, I am grateful. Thanks for sharing the ride.

You Are Here

I tend to reflect on the past a lot and dream up the future, often at the expense of delighting in the present. Sometimes my mind gets so busy it's hard for me to remember where I am at all.

Last week I came up with a visual to help bring me back to the Now: I picture a big red arrow floating above my head and a sign that says "YOU ARE HERE" - you know like the ones on the big shopping mall maps?

So far it seems to do the trick.

Word for 2009: Create

My brain is all over the place and has been for several weeks. I am windswept with ideas and projects and wants and hopes and fears and loves. I am tormented about what could be as it reminds me of how I'm resisting the urge to pursue it. I am content and dissatisfied. Supportive and envious. Accepting and impatient. A constant dichotomy of the interior landscape.

This usually means I need a change, but the problem is I don't know where to start.

Although I haven't yet declared it publicly, this year's word or theme has slowly been making its way into my psyche. It started with Action, transformed into Yes and has since evolved to Create, as in Creating-the-life-I-want.

I create fulfilling, meaningful relationships.
I create joy and colour in my surroundings.
I create financial intelligence, integrity and independence.
I create peace.
I create fulfilling, meaningful work that contributes to values of beauty, connection, nature and personal growth, and allows me to live the same level of lifestyle I enjoy now.
I create my contribution and commitment to a loving, nurturing and accepting relationship with my soon-to-be husband that allows us to grow, discover and play, both individually and as a couple.
I create a loving, nurturing and accepting relationship with myself.
I create space for new connections, experiences and the unknown.
I create a healthy body, mind and soul by tending to their needs.
I create community and connection.
I create fun and lightheartedness.
I create spiritual reflection and a loving relationship with my Higher Power.
I create art.
I create life - one day at a time.

Create, my word for 2009. Maybe I'll start with that.

Reflections of a Facebook Newbie

Things that have crossed my mind since joining Facebook two weeks ago:

• Now I have one more thing to check when I log in: email, my blog, other blogs, Facebook.
• For the past four years I've worked to keep my life separate from my ex-husband's, now there's a chance our lives may connect virtually through mutual friends. It's forcing me to manage those connections and deal with some baggage. I'm not sure to what extent I'm ready for that.
• It's fun to connect - or re-connect - with friends and family through casual comments, questions & photos. I enjoy getting a glimpse into their everyday lives.
• I crave validation and want to belong just as much as I did in junior high. Although I'm not all that surprised, I didn't think it would be that immediate or obvious; joining Facebook brought those insecurities to the surface. Damn.
• Since joining Facebook, I spend more time writing and reading snippets of information and less time writing and reading in-depth pieces. I want to manage that. I don't want my writing and blog posts to take a hit.
• When I look people up on Facebook I feel like a stalker. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.
• Connecting with the girls from Squam on Facebook brings me right back to last September's magical weekend in New Hampshire. It keeps me in tune with a creative vibe that makes me feel alive and fills me with Love and possibility. It feels good.

Facebook challenges my ability to manage my time, my emotional reactions and my priorities more than I thought it would. It also allows me to nurture existing connections with friends & family, and opens me to new connections and opportunities that otherwise might not happen.

As I read through my list of thoughts, I can't help but wonder if it's having the same effect on others and if so, what kind of impact - pros and cons - could that mean for society as more and more people adopt a "Facebook" way of life?

Just a few thoughts from a Facebook newbie...

Images and Rebirth

You must give birth to your images.
They are the future waiting to be born.
Fear not the strangeness you feel.
The future must enter you long before it happens.
Just wait for the birth,
for the hour of new clarity.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

The other night I dreamt of a phoenix for the second time in my life.

In the first dream I was walking along a snowy road on a bright winter day and spotted the red bird sitting on a telephone wire. Then it opened its wings and I remember how striking it looked against the white landscape. When I woke up I didn't know it was a phoenix I'd seen; only when I read the description of the bird in my dream dictionary did I realize what it was.

This second time, I was standing in a parking lot waiting for dear friends of mine to pick me up. They were giving me a ride to Squam. As they pulled into the parking lot I looked up and saw a large white bird facing me with its wings folded in front of its chest. It seemed to be hovering in mid-air, almost apparition-like. Then it started unfurling its beautiful white wings to reveal a red-feathered chest encrusted with gold and jewels. It felt gentle; I felt calm.

I can't help but wonder what this image is birthing.

Getting Hitched!

I'm getting hitched. Married. Tying the knot.

I was going to write a drawn out post about my reaction to marriage this second time 'round (for those who don't know, I've been married before), but it's too depressing and frankly, moot point. It involved panic attacks, cold sweats and lots of baggage & healing (all on my part) and let me just say that D's a trooper and I am one lucky gal. Maybe someday I'll delve into it, maybe not.

So on with the happy news (although most of you have probably already figured it out)... this chick's getting married!!! {insert nervous, joyous, squeals of glee}

We're thinking a June wedding this year. We're thinking small, we're thinking a house party, I'm thinking one of those air-propelled sky dancer bonhommes you see on car dealership lots - or a bouncy castle.

Although I'll try to keep myself in check and not saturate you with wedding details, I suspect you'll see a post or two on the subject during the next few months 'cause, well, it's just plain fun!

Now if you'll excuse me, I must get back to reading my copy of Offbeat Bride...

An Update to my Pondering...

Inspired by a comment on my Pondering post encouraging me to do it all, I looked at the list of items that have been mulling around in my head and thought to myself "What am I waiting for?" So here's my update:

• jigsaw puzzle - complete
• financial independence - created a financial to-do list for the next few months and Savings projections for 2009; completed a few actions on the to-do list
• moving forward with my dream of operating a creative studio made of straw bales - brainstormed on what it could be and what needed to be done to create it (via mind map)
• hosting a Creative Salon - brainstormed on what it could be and what needed to be done to create it (via mind map)
• making a pot of homemade winter vegetable soup - done and yum!
• creating a painting a day for one week - two paintings down, five to go
• cleaning the kitchen, office and bathroom - all in progress
• joining Facebook - done and will you be my friend?

Not bad for a few days eh?

Although having kids and achieving financial independence might have to wait a while, some of the items on the list are quite achievable. All it takes is a little motivation to take action (thank you Kirsten!). I might crash tomorrow, but right now taking action feels pretty gosh darn good.

Pondering...

• meaningful, fulfilling work
• artful work
• lifestyle - how much is "enough"?
• a June wedding
• biting the bullet and joining Facebook
• cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen, my office, the guest room...
• working on the jigsaw puzzle I started last night
• having kids
• hosting a potluck
• hosting a creative salon
• creating a painting a day for one week
• making a pot of homemade winter vegetable soup tomorrow
• financial independence
• some of my past, and the prospect of letting it go - or just letting it be
• how I contribute (or how I could contribute) to society
• vacationing on a working farm
• moving forward with my dream of operating a creative studio built of straw bales (a.k.a. Strawbale Studio) - even if virtually at first
• de-cluttering
• a train trip getaway to Montreal
• going to bed
• writing a post that doesn't involve a bulleted list

Brimming with Possibility

My cup overfloweth, I feel a need to write.

My head and heart are swimming with ideas, fears, hope, anticipation, love, gratitude and dreams for the year to come. I haven't chosen a word, nor have I written down goals or intentions. I've simply been letting myself swim in possibility.

Nurturing connections, community and creative projects; experimenting with the Portfolio Project; Squam (oh yeah!); road trips, camping trips, solo trips; transitioning towards meaningful work; volunteering, hiking, being, showshoeing, praying, giving, reaching, dancing; cooking and sharing healthy meals; learning, healing, laughing, loving - not to mention a possible wedding come June (you betcha!). I am blessed with opportunity.

I'm enjoying this percolating of possibility and contemplation on how I will shape it into something specific. It's a pre-requisite to yearly goals and to-do lists - a Brainstorming phase if you wish. Of course being the productivity geek that I am, I know it won't be long before I pull out the coloured markers and mind-map my way to 2010. That's just part of the fun.

Possibility indeed. 2009. Bring it.

Solstice Reflections - A Checkpoint

With only a few days left before the end of my Solstice Reflections experiment, I thought it would be neat to check in and reflect on how things are going.

What's worked to date:

• establishing a writing routine - writing a post the night before, reviewing it one last time the next morning before posting
• writing about what happened that day, pulling from current experiences and observations
• that being said, having a few posts researched and written ahead of time to pull from on nights I was busy or tired helped too!
• listening to my intuition - if a post didn't feel natural or right, I looked for something else that rang true
• creating ritual, lighting a candle and being still for a few moments before writing
• letting go of perfection

Challenges:

• breaking my writing routine - I felt a need to scramble to catch up, writing two posts in one day to fall back into schedule
• neglecting ritual and focus - this seems to be happening more now as Christmas preparations come to a climax; I find I don't get as much out of writing when I'm distracted and feeling in a rush to post, the reflection part is missing
• letting go of perfection

The experiment has been good to date, but not always easy. Although the subject of spiritual reflection is very rewarding to explore, delving into it daily can be draining. Also, combined with Holiday preparations my reflections risked becoming yet another item on the list to check off.

But overall I'm happy. Not only am I meeting a commitment I made to myself (although there are still a few days left!), I am also welcoming and exploring a renewed connection to my Higher Power - a connection I believe could only have happened through deliberate reflection. Reflection spurred by the Winter Solstice.

A Solstice Experiment

For the past few weeks I've been mulling over a creative project linked to the Winter Solstice - a countdown complete with quotes, prompts, questions and reflections. Truth be told, the idea of countdown to the Solstice has been percolating in this pretty little head of mine for the past three years; only now do I feel ready to experiment with the creation of a new blog: Solstice Reflections.

Now don't get me wrong, I am very much a Christmas person - Christmas decorations a plenty, Christmas books, Christmas CDs that stack up to about a foot. I love Christmas gatherings, A Charlie Brown Christmas and when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes that day it makes me weep.

I've come to realize though, that the Winter Solstice holds more spiritual significance for me. I feel a deep connection to the Divine through Mother Nature, her cycles and December's transition from darkness to light.

Although I will continue posting here at the Urban Living Experiment, I invite you to join me as I experiment with a journey of creative expression and spiritual reflection at Solstice Reflections - a December travel blog for the soul if you wish. :)

Hope to see you there.

Wild Success

"Have you envisioned wild success lately?"

- David Allen, Getting Things Done

What would it look like? I'm curious.

Dreamlining - An Enlightening Exercise

Note: There will be no pumpkin bios in this post. I promise.

"What would you do if there were no way you could fail? If you were 10 times smarter than the rest of the world?"
- Timothy Ferriss, The 4-Hour Workweek

A combination of dreaming and goal-setting, Timothy Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Workweek, suggests dreamlining to shed light on what we want to accomplish in life - more specifically, what we want to accomplish in the next 6-12 months. "Dreamlining will be fun, and it will be hard. The harder it is, the more you need it", he writes. It's dreaming big with a timeline.

I took the bait and gave it a shot. Following his lead with the opening question in mind, I completed the following statements listing up to five items each:

• In 6 months I dream of having ...
• In 6 months I dream of being ...
• In 6 months I dream of doing ...

Then I repeated the exercise using 12 months instead of 6.

The first of six dreamlining steps listed in the book, I found this seemingly simple exercise enlightening. For some reason I had trouble finding items I wanted to have, but no trouble listing all the things I wanted to do. And some things came up I didn't even know I wanted!

Although I like the idea of holistic dreamlining, this tool is very practical and could probably be narrowed down in scope and used in any specific facet of life: day job, creative dreams, marriage, family, health, etc. I might experiment and see what happens.

Why don't you give it a shot too?

The Power of Comforts

I've been feeling pretty shitty these past few weeks. A few excursions and creative highs excepted, I've felt sick, without energy and down in the dumps. Bleh.

I've been dancing around the feelings and negative emotions for a while trying hard not to complain, trying to suck it up and push myself, but in the meantime still complaining about it daily without really acknowledging or accepting any of it.

Does that make sense?

Last night I finally admitted to myself that maybe I wasn't doing so well. A quick emotional checkpoint exercise at a presentation on Emotional Intelligence this afternoon confirmed my suspicion. OK. Now I can deal.

So today I skipped my Nia class (gasp!) and instead spent time napping and playing with Cassie when I got home. Next, I cooked a big pot of Mom's macaroni & hamburg dish - sweet, sweet comfort food. And now, I type sitting in my favourite coffee shop with the sound of friends gabbing, cappuccino machines gurgling and funky music playing in the background.

I still feel physically tired and am dealing with a cold that's dragging on; that just means I need to take it easy. I still feel a bit fragile emotionally, but I also feel I've gained traction by taking small actions and seeking comfort. Sometimes that's all it takes to get the ball rolling.

On Joy and Healing ...

It seems the opening of the heart to joy may also re-open the heart to healing.

Last night I had dinner with a dear friend; as I shared about unexpected emotions re-surfacing from old wounds, she gently pointed out that the opening of the heart that occurred at Squam may have left me raw.

It makes sense.

The stirrings of the soul experienced at Squam re-awakened a part of me I'd left dormant. After a few intense years of personal growth and healing from a separation that dismantled my world as I knew it, I wanted a break; a year - or maybe even two - of coasting if you wish.

Squam shook up the complacency that consequently took hold and re-awakened a connection to my Center that I cannot ignore. It re-acquainted me to a place of joy, knowing and Love and in doing so, touched a place of truth and honesty that is bringing forward a deeper layer of healing I did not expect.

So be it; this too shall pass.

I am no longer the same person I was three years ago. I have a loving partner, a supportive circle of friends and family, and a sense of self. I have awareness and tools to help me recognize and navigate the downward spirals. And best of all, I have a newly found place of joy, knowing and Love to turn to. I don't think a girl could ask for much more.