A Year Ago Today...

... I craved creative community and put it out to the Universe.

After writing that post last March, I reserved a few vacation days at work for a mystery creative retreat just in case something came up. A friend sent me a link to a workshop in Italy taught by Kelly Rae Roberts and Mati Rose McDonough, but alas Italy was too tall an order for me at the time.

A few months later I saw Andrea Scher's reminder for Squam on her Superhero blog and registered, not knowing what to expect. Not long after that I found out that Kelly Rae and Mati Rose would be speaking at the retreat.

Today I still connect with many of the creative women I met there.

Funny how things work out sometimes isn't it?

Reflections of a Facebook Newbie

Things that have crossed my mind since joining Facebook two weeks ago:

• Now I have one more thing to check when I log in: email, my blog, other blogs, Facebook.
• For the past four years I've worked to keep my life separate from my ex-husband's, now there's a chance our lives may connect virtually through mutual friends. It's forcing me to manage those connections and deal with some baggage. I'm not sure to what extent I'm ready for that.
• It's fun to connect - or re-connect - with friends and family through casual comments, questions & photos. I enjoy getting a glimpse into their everyday lives.
• I crave validation and want to belong just as much as I did in junior high. Although I'm not all that surprised, I didn't think it would be that immediate or obvious; joining Facebook brought those insecurities to the surface. Damn.
• Since joining Facebook, I spend more time writing and reading snippets of information and less time writing and reading in-depth pieces. I want to manage that. I don't want my writing and blog posts to take a hit.
• When I look people up on Facebook I feel like a stalker. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.
• Connecting with the girls from Squam on Facebook brings me right back to last September's magical weekend in New Hampshire. It keeps me in tune with a creative vibe that makes me feel alive and fills me with Love and possibility. It feels good.

Facebook challenges my ability to manage my time, my emotional reactions and my priorities more than I thought it would. It also allows me to nurture existing connections with friends & family, and opens me to new connections and opportunities that otherwise might not happen.

As I read through my list of thoughts, I can't help but wonder if it's having the same effect on others and if so, what kind of impact - pros and cons - could that mean for society as more and more people adopt a "Facebook" way of life?

Just a few thoughts from a Facebook newbie...

Giselle

Giselle

Meet Giselle. She's my first ever face painted from scratch and I love her.

I wanted to try something different today during my time at the table; I wanted to draw a shape as a focal point instead of using collage, something "real" that I - and hopefully others - could recognize. I brought my supplies thinking I might draw a mandala, but instead, with the guidance of notes gleaned from Misty at Squam last year and instructions laid out by Kelly Rae Roberts in her book Taking Flight, Giselle is what came out.

There may be a few touch-ups here & there (I'm thinking around the eyes), but I was so excited I couldn't wait to post her. I think it's the thrill of trying something new and liking the result. It makes me want to try it again.

Images and Rebirth

You must give birth to your images.
They are the future waiting to be born.
Fear not the strangeness you feel.
The future must enter you long before it happens.
Just wait for the birth,
for the hour of new clarity.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

The other night I dreamt of a phoenix for the second time in my life.

In the first dream I was walking along a snowy road on a bright winter day and spotted the red bird sitting on a telephone wire. Then it opened its wings and I remember how striking it looked against the white landscape. When I woke up I didn't know it was a phoenix I'd seen; only when I read the description of the bird in my dream dictionary did I realize what it was.

This second time, I was standing in a parking lot waiting for dear friends of mine to pick me up. They were giving me a ride to Squam. As they pulled into the parking lot I looked up and saw a large white bird facing me with its wings folded in front of its chest. It seemed to be hovering in mid-air, almost apparition-like. Then it started unfurling its beautiful white wings to reveal a red-feathered chest encrusted with gold and jewels. It felt gentle; I felt calm.

I can't help but wonder what this image is birthing.

Creative Inspiration

These past few days I've been creatively inspired by...

• a PBS documentary on Woody Guthrie found at the library that has me dreaming of writing prolifically
• a collection of Treasures from American Film Archives, also found at the library, that has me dreaming of producing documentaries and silent films
• Jen Lee's initiative in creating Solstice: Stories of Light in the Dark
• an evening of tea, laughter and exploration of creative dreams with a lovely friend
• the prospect of attending Squam Art Workshops again this year to play, learn, connect, and stretch my comfort zone even further.

A New Year

Squam love note from Jen Lemen

Happy 2009. Peace, Joy and Love to you.

A Creative Mantra: Go to the Table and Trust

a work in progress - or not

I haven't been painting as much as I would have liked to. I won't list excuses; I just didn't.

But I did go to my creative space a few times and when I did, I got lost in time. I collaged, I painted, I played with colour; I made a mess. I spread my supplies out on the table and kept telling myself "Pretend you're back at Squam. Pretend you're in Misty's class...pretend you're in Misty's class...pretend you're in Misty's class. Just play."

A self-admitted perfectionist, it's hard for me to allow myself to get things wrong before I can get them right. But I have to try anyway.

I want to live an artful life that includes making art. Specifically, I want to explore the world of mixed media paint and collage - the world to which I was introduced at Squam that had me smitten. I can read blogs about it, I can write about it or I can buy funky paints, but if I want to someday be a visual artist I need to open up those paints and get messy - I need to go to the table. Then I need to trust that things will unfold as they should.

So I present to you my new creative mantra: go to the table and trust.

Whether your table is a sketchpad on which you draw, a blank page on which you write or neighbourhood streets waiting to be captured in photos, I invite you to join me. Simply go to the table and trust.

On Joy and Healing ...

It seems the opening of the heart to joy may also re-open the heart to healing.

Last night I had dinner with a dear friend; as I shared about unexpected emotions re-surfacing from old wounds, she gently pointed out that the opening of the heart that occurred at Squam may have left me raw.

It makes sense.

The stirrings of the soul experienced at Squam re-awakened a part of me I'd left dormant. After a few intense years of personal growth and healing from a separation that dismantled my world as I knew it, I wanted a break; a year - or maybe even two - of coasting if you wish.

Squam shook up the complacency that consequently took hold and re-awakened a connection to my Center that I cannot ignore. It re-acquainted me to a place of joy, knowing and Love and in doing so, touched a place of truth and honesty that is bringing forward a deeper layer of healing I did not expect.

So be it; this too shall pass.

I am no longer the same person I was three years ago. I have a loving partner, a supportive circle of friends and family, and a sense of self. I have awareness and tools to help me recognize and navigate the downward spirals. And best of all, I have a newly found place of joy, knowing and Love to turn to. I don't think a girl could ask for much more.

Bit by Bit ...

…things are returning to normal and what feels like a different me is re-integrating into my same life.

I still feel tired sometimes and my body is a bit out of whack from a full first few weeks of September, but I trust it will adjust. I’m slowly but surely coming down from last week’s high, and have been reading many blog posts and emails from other Squam attendees going through similar feelings. It’s comforting to know that I am not alone.

I’ve been sleeping, giving my body some much needed rest. I’ve been catching up at home, trying to create a semblance of order and cleanliness to soothe my senses. I’ve been enjoying time with D. and Cassie.

I’ve been playing with paints, forcing myself to leave perfection aside and gracefully accept that I am a beginner. I’ve been communicating with some of the women I met at Squam, nurturing those creative, supportive ties as best as I can. I’ve been thinking of possible ways I could build a more balanced life that includes art, exercise, meaningful work, connection with a Higher Power, money to pay the bills – and maybe even a bit more, and a happy healthy circle of family and friends.

Squam introduced me to a world that buoys and fulfills me, a world that feels true to who I am; I want to integrate that world into my current one. I'm not sure how yet, but I trust that it will unfold - one day at a time.

The Beauty of Squam

This afternoon I was showing D. photos from last week's Squam workshops. At nearly each photo I couldn't help but exclaim "Oh isn't she gorgeous? Look at her smile!" or "Oh isn't she beautiful? Look how her eyes sparkle!" or "Doesn't she look stunning? I love that picture!"

Then it dawned on me: every woman in those pictures is beautiful because at that moment, she is living what is true to her, radiating authenticity and true joy. She is creating. She is loving. She is alive.

It's no wonder we were all so damn gorgeous.

Words from Squam

paper lanterns @ Havenwood

Still too overwhelmed to write anything remotely coherent about it, I offer you a braindump of words that come to mind when I reflect on my Squam experience:

Sun, warmth, growth, play, paint, colour, fear, perseverance, energy, vibe, nature, quiet, water, stillness, cozy, fire, loons, mist, art, artists, trial, error, success, tears, pushing, limits, learning, creating, teaching, nurturing, photos, books, words, fun, FOOD, support, giggles, laughter, tribe, smiles, woman, blossoming, beautiful, glowing, strangers, friends, acceptance, hope, belonging, connection, community, openness, pivotal, moments, butterflies, ready, alive, love.

More to come later; it seems I am processing in bits & pieces.

Creative Space in Waiting

To help keep momentum gained at Squam and reinforce what I learned, I spent part of yesterday creating a space where I can play. D was kind enough to let me have his corner of the sunroom (thank you D!) in which I promptly set up a work table, hung the lanterns that were hanging in our lovely cabin at Squam, and spread out my supplies.

It's not quite finished, but here are a few pics:

the space before

the space between

a space in waiting

More to come about Squam later. I'm exhausted, but still on a high and enjoying every minute of it!

Transition from Squam

view from Havenwood cabin - morning, day 1

I am in the midst of two worlds, working to bring them together instead of making them mutually exclusive. Squam was more than I ever could have imagined; it pushed, nurtured, overwhelmed and elated.

I want to carry its momentum with me as I return to my everyday life. I feel ready.

More to come later, today is my transition space.

A Catch-up Post

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since my last post!

The trip to New Brunswick has come and gone. A few highlights include (and there are too many to list here): gabbing with Sis for almost twelve hours on the way there, seeing a childhood friend who now lives in Calgary, DIGGING FRESH POTATOES FROM THE GARDEN, and singing in front of a mic for the first time in 18 years (this summer's Shanghai karaoke incident excepted).

I kid you not, I think digging up those potatoes, washing them and eating them less than an hour later made that trip (no offense Sis!).

The past week was spent gathering last-minute supplies for my workshops at Squam: acrylic paints, rubber stamps, various painting stuffs I've never seen or used before. I'm off to New Hampshire bright & early tomorrow morning. It should be fun!

On a less pleasant note, the past day and half was spent accompanying D. in and out of the emergency room and doctors' offices. Unfortunately he ran into some health issues, but thankfully with good and timely care treatment is under way. He should see improvements within a week.

Et voilà, the past two weeks in a nutshell.

I feel tired from running around and am worried about D. I feel nervous about Squam, but look forward to it too. To alleviate the swirl of emotions, I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Tonight, I sleep. Tomorrow morning, I grab my bags, my coffee, my maps & hit the road to New Hampshire.

I'll see you when I get back.