One Extra Day

Today I got the go-ahead to reduce my work hours to 30 hours per week. I did this for a year about four years ago and found it to be an ideal balance between work and home – a sweet spot if you wish – where I was at peak productivity in both realms. Although I may not get the same results, I've decided to try it again. It will be a six-month trial run after which I'll re-evaluate to see if it still works.

Despite its relatively low risk, I feel an unexpected resistance to this change. I feel uncertain, agitated and shifty. In the Superhero workshop I took at Squam we spoke of gremlins – those pesky negative thoughts and feelings that hold us back, convincing us to not rock the boat. We talked about how gremlins are often loudest when we get close to something good, something that leads us closer to our dreams.

Could it be gremlins causing this nervousness I feel?

Whatever it may be, I'm doing this. I look forward to that one extra day - an extra day to rest, to cook, to paint, clean, write, play, learn, move, plan, build, dream, create, connect, or just be. And my gremlins? To them I say "Thanks but no thanks! I want my day off!!" :)

Back to Reality?

When I first returned to work from my sabbatical just over a year ago, I remember overhearing a Monday morning conversation over the cubicle wall that went something like this:

"Sooo, did you have a good weekend?"
"Yeah it was great! Spent some time at the cottage, with the family … but, sigh, I guess now it’s back to reality right?"

That second person sounded so dejected; I remember feeling sorry for him.

This morning I was driving to work thinking about how much fun I had at a weekend BBQ re-connecting with folks from an organization for which I volunteered while on sabbatical, about how vibrant I felt re-connecting with them and how useful I felt to the organization at the time.

I thought about how much I lived vicariously through other creative women, and how I’m ready to stop coveting their life and live my own. I thought about how much I wanted to be at home setting up my office, writing, creating, resting. Then – and this is the kicker – I thought “But, sigh, I guess now it’s back to reality right?”

Doh.

Sunday Night Dread

At around 4pm yesterday, I felt an all too familiar feeling of Sunday Night Dread in my gut. Not Sunday Night Bleh; that I can easily overcome. This was Sunday Night Dread; it's heavier and it stays.

The last time I felt it so strongly was a few years ago. At the time I placed those feelings aside to deal with the many changes brought on by multiple moves and the end of a 12-year relationship. I was too busy learning to live on my own, re-building my social network and grieving my marriage to worry about fulfilling work. Actually, my job was one of the only stable things I had and it played an enormous part in re-building my social network; for that I am grateful.

Now that other areas of my life seem more stable (although I believe that complete stability, like complete security, is merely an illusion), I’m sensing that the question of fulfilling work is coming back to the forefront. Gut feels, unreasonable impatience in the workplace and a variety of stress-induced aches and pains are clamouring for attention.

I guess it was bound to come up again; now I just have to figure out what to do with it.

Random Thoughts & Observations

• Sometimes a messy linen closet and eating cereal for dinner mean a happy relationship. Sometimes they just mean a messy linen closet and a cold meal.

• This afternoon a friend convinced me to open a blind outside my corner cubicle to let in more natural light. Shortly after doing so I overheard this in the hallway: "Ya know, that's the first time I see that blind open", to which a second person replied "There is an outside!" I don't know why I never thought of doing that before.

• Jogging goal for this week: 3 x 1-2's (1 minute walking / 2 minutes jogging for a total of 20 minutes).

• Jogging status for this week: one jog down, two to go.

• I'm working on an assignment for which I need to extract essential information from a very detailed process and summarize it on a two-page pamphlet. Today it dawned on me that simplifying is like doing that with my life.

Rethinking My Workspace

Yesterday I moved into an office space at work that's smaller, darker and less private than the one I had before. Next week I'm moving into a home office that's about half the size of the one I have now. In both cases I need to simplify considerably just to make my space breathable and workable. It's hard to adjust.

Maybe it's the Universe's way of telling me it's time to switch my focus, nudging me in the right direction by forcing me to rethink and simplify my workspaces. Maybe it's time to cull the old and make room for the new, identify what's important for work and creativity and leave the rest. Or maybe I just have too much stuff.

Whatever it is, the thought of redefining it, although daunting, is refreshing.

A Few Gratefuls

I've been nursing a cold for the past week and have been taking my non-working hours very easy, hence my lack of posts. Now my week is over and I am enjoying the prospect of a three day weekend.

I felt like sharing a few gratefuls tonight ...

• Work is going well. A team I helped coordinate should be ready to deliver a project they've been working on for more than a year on Monday - on time.
• As of January 23rd I'll be receiving an increased paycheck due to a temporary promotion that will continue until the end of August.
• D. and I are moving into this beautiful house mid-February.
• D. put his house up for sale on the market yesterday and got an offer this afternoon for full asking price with a closing date on our move day.
• My apartment is warm and toasty.
• I've been eating well and drinking lots of water.
• Despite my nursing a cold I feel a newfound energy.
• Cassie is staying with D.'s brother while his house is for sale so we can hang out in my urban digs more often without him having to worry about going home to feed her or let her out.
• Last night I spent almost two hours giggling and gabbing with a friend I hadn't seen in over a year. It felt like we'd spoken last week.
• Saturday I'm going to a Wii potluck party.
• Tomorrow is my day off.

Many gratefuls today and many gratefuls to come. Today I don't think I could ask for much more.

Harder Than I Thought

Going back to work is harder than I thought it would be. For the past week I've been tired, moody and pestered by aches & pains.

Some parts are fun: lunch hour walks with friends, setting up a new office, and the upcoming paycheque on Friday (ok that one is a LOT of fun!). Others are trickier: lack of sleep, figuring out a new system to manage "to do's" between home & work, and reminding myself that I am not my job when I witness negativity and cynicism in the workplace.

There's still a part of me that wants my job and its environment to align with my values and interests. I'm not sure where I am is where it's going to happen, though it might be a stepping stone.

After a year without a salary, I'll admit that the money and benefits are very attractive to me. So just for today, I'll make sure my time is well spent by making that money and those benefits work for me. And just for today, I'll enjoy the friends, the walks and the chance to start anew.

Just Another Monday Night

It's been a mellow day. I wrote, I read, I sipped my coffee. I picked up enough fresh food to keep me fuelled for full work days - I find many small snacks work best. On the menu for tomorrow: salad with roasted chicken breast, organic vanilla yogurt, sliced peaches, walnuts and a Granny Smith apple.

Tonight I listen to the game on CBC.ca. Spezza just scored Ottawa's second goal with less than a minute left in the third. I just finished planting heirloom tomato seeds Mom collected from last year's crop. It was soothing to play in the dirt. The timing falls well; I can watch them grow as I do the same in my new job.

My lunch is ready, I've laid out my clothes for tomorrow and gathered colourful pens, paper clips and sticky notes to fill my cubicle with good cheer. A cold Stella is waiting for me in the fridge. All is good.

Sabbatical Reflections - Part V

I thought I'd spend my last weekend off going out with a bang: dancing at Gracie's on Friday, housecleaning Saturday and a good long hike Sunday. My body said "Not so." Instead I felt achy, tired and sick to my stomach, and for a good portion of the two days experienced shallow breathing and chest pains. Perhaps a bit of back-to-work anxiety? Perhaps indeed.

I'm finally facing the fact that I'm anxious about going back to work. Good. Now I can deal with it.

Sabbatical Reflections - Part IV

I don't wanna go back!!!

I knew this stage would come sooner or later.

Sabbatical Reflections - Part III

As I contemplate my return to work for the federal government, I'm sometimes afraid my level of intolerance for bureaucratic environments full of red tape and CYA tendencies ("Cover Your A--", for the uninitiated) will get the best of me. What if my cynicism takes over again? What if I get caught up in it? What if, in a moment of insanity, I lose it and storm out?

Enter a book by James H. Boren called Fuzzify! Borenwords and Strategies for Bureaucratic Success. How timely! Intrigued by its title and 25 cent price tag, I picked it up.

Boren writes:

"Fuzzify (fuhz'-ih-fy): v. To present information in a manner that seems to be clear and precise but which is characterized by optimal adjustivity of interpretation. ... By fuzzifying, a person can gain acceptance of a statement or set objectives, because others will interpret the fuzzification to mean whatever they want it to mean. ... Fuzzification is particularly useful when the fuzzifier does not know what he is talking about, or when the fuzzifier wants to enunciate a non-position in the form of a position."

Full of such idiotic yet familiar concepts, maybe this book is the comic relief I need to approach my return to work without going insane. Guilty of the odd fuzzification myself, instead of getting frustrated, what better way to embrace it than going in with a sense of humour?

Besides, being in the know may help me avoid impleflopping, incomprehaggles and bladderations. Oh please let there be no bladderations!